he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My ATM looks so different sober.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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