What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm sobbing to NWA
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
