I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize