i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
