I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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