My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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