i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
