i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
