So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
