So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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