I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
