i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
