Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
