We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
