Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
