he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
