woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
