Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
