you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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