I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
