First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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