i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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