I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize