Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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