i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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