i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
