Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize