nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
