he shaved USA in his pubs
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
