I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
