and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
sex in a hospital.. check
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
