Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
