Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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