That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
