I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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