FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
