Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
