Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just cut my nipple shaving
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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