The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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