took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
