Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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