new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
