I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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