I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Everclear isn't food dammit
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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