if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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