I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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