Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
