She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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