Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
