I'm going to jail i love you
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
