I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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