I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
