Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
