The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
