i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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