Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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