Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
