K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
